I’ve been reading and hearing a lot recently about moms. With mother’s day just behind us, there has been a lot of focus on the wonders of motherhood. I’m now 3.5 months into being a full time stay at home mom, from previously working two days a week as a hospice nurse after Gracie was born. I love being at home with my girls and I wouldn’t trade it for the world (don’t ask me that at 3 o’clock in the morning when they are both awake) but as I expected, I have lost something that made me feel…worthy.
|The sweet girl that made me a mommy of two and stay at home mama|
It’s a word that was hard for me to pin down. Part of me felt fulfilled by a job that helped people and their families through an emotional last journey that led to heaven. I miss feeling the purpose I felt in connecting with families and giving them support. Now I find myself searching for ways to fill that feeling of being “worthy”. The problem is that I sometimes have this churning, anxiety like feeling that tells me I need to do it all. All as in everything. All as in going above and beyond and to the moon and back again. I need to do it all, especially now that I’m not working outside the home.
This nagging feeling tells me, I need to enjoy my time with my girls and help them explore the world around them as they grow. Teach them the ways of Christ and be a godly example for them. This nagging feeling tells me I need to have a clean home, especially now that I’m home more and that it’s something I should do as a gift to my husband. It also tells me that I need to cook better…meat and cheese or cereal for dinner doesn’t really count. It tells me I need to workout and tone up and get back to that pre-pregnancy or even better physique. It tells me I need to stay up to date on the happening of this world and not become ignorant. The nagging feelings tell me I need to volunteer my time to other’s more, find ways to give back daily with small acts of kindness. It tells me that I need to grow my little Etsy shop, increase my sales, and use those profits to support others that need it. It tells me I should be a good friend, make time to hang out. Be a good sister, wife, daughter, mother, coach, neighbor, Christian. It tells me don’t be lazy, don’t be scared, read your Bible more, don’t lose your temper, kiss your husband and the list goes on and on and then some. These thoughts start competing for room, jostling each other around and turn right into that churning, nagging feeling.
I try to check mark the never-ending list of needed improvements in my life that will make me feel more worthy. I compare my journey to others out there and decide undeniably that they are doing a better job at, well, just about everything. Yes, these are all good goals and something that I can continue to work towards little by little as I examine my gifts that I have been given to share, but is being worthy the right goal? And worthy of what? If I don’t have a clean home, or toned arms is God going to tell me I’m not worthy? If you take the time to read just a few stories in the Bible, you will see that God often chose people that didn’t seem “worthy” to fulfill His plans.
So while I will continue to work towards these goals with Christ’s help, my prayer should be one of submission. Submission to His plan and His will. A prayer that He will use me where I am and that I will listen. That He will be the guiding force in my decisions whether it be at home with my girls, or with the stranger at the store. That His light will shine through me where I am and I won’t be afraid to let it out. If we could all choose to let His light shine through us right where we are, the world would be that much brighter.
|Because this picture is just real life, people. Real life with a toddler and a baby and a moment in front of the camera.|
So to anyone out there reading along on this journey, would you join me in this prayer? A prayer to let God use us today, and tomorrow and the next. That we will be present in the moments that God has gifted us, wherever we may be. A prayer that God will use us through our mistakes and meet us on our journey. That His light will shine through us and that we will grow. That our gifts would be shared with others and we would know we are most worthy of His love. Focus on the Cornerstone and keep building one brick at a time. Know that His hand is outstretched and His love is always present. I pray this prayer for myself and others that join me. Will you do the same?
|God is going to meet us on our journey. Whether we’re in the car, or hanging out of it in our Easter best.|